Conflict of Emotion....

[Enigma]

6 days until Christmas and my stepdad woke up to find my mother dead. She had taken far too many painkillers, as she has since I was 13, but this time she vomited in her sleep and did not turn over. I know most of you know my history with my mother. I'm not going to bring it up here. I'm sure doing a search of my posts will give the rest of you the opportunity to see what I'm talking about.

The thing is, when I first heard about it, my sister called me hysterically, she was very close to my mom, I was okay. I mean, yeah, it sucks my mom died, but we didn't get along. I was more sad for the rest of my family who had been close to her. I got up and ready for work. Feeling lousy because I didn't feel lousy. The more I thought about it, however, the sadder I got. I haven't spoken to my mom in a year and a half. I allowed past grievances to come between us, and when I was younger we had been really close. I wish I had the opportunity to close that gap and let her know that I still care. I wish I had been able to let the grudges go and allow myself to be her daughter and for her to be my mother. In that, I am saddened. I feel no sense of closure.

My family is devastated. My sister was emotionally and mentally stunted by my mother. She is a wreck and I'm not sure how she will recover from this. I wish I was there to help her through this time. My stepdad lived every day for her. Now his only reason to stay above water is the cats my mother cherished above all else. I wish I could convince him to come out here to NM to be with his children and grandchildren. I am relieved that I have the opportunity now to be close to them. My mother, while not speaking to me, did not allow them the opportunity to speak to me either, as I am a scape goat/turncoat. I miss them and will do what I can for them.

In short, dude this sucks. I'm sad/depressed/relieved and empty at the same time. I don't know what to feel or how to process the emotions. Grateful for bereavement leave as, I don't believe I'm in any fit mental state to deal with customers today.