Joke of the week: Aug 1st - 2012

[KillaMo187]

Quote:A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands .'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

[KillaMo187]

Quote:Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...'

[John the Juggalo]

[LuckyNumbrXIII]

A rabbi and a priest are walking down the street. They pass an alleyway and see a little child homeless and alone.

The priest says, "Let's fuck him."

The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"

[sTr]

A lizard is walking through the jungle and smells something burning

He looks up in a tree and sees a monkey burning something

The lizard says "Hey Monkey, what are you doing up there?"

The monkey replies "smoking a joint"

The lizard asks "What's a joint?"

The monkey tells the lizard "Get up here, you gotta try this"

They smoke the joint and the monkey asks "So, how do you feel?"

The lizard replies "Great, but I'm kind of thirsty"

The monkey tells the lizard "Follow this trail to the bottom of the hill and you'll find a pond, get some water and I'll roll us another joint"

The lizard follows the trail and starts drinking out of the pond when an alligator appears

"Hey, you drinking from my pond" says the alligator

The lizard says "I was smoking a joint with this monkey and I got thirsty, he pointed me here"

"Wait, did you say a money, smoking a joint? I gotta see this" says the alligator

The lizard tells the alligator "Follow this trail up to the top of the hill and he's in the first tree on the left"

The alligator follows the trail up to the tree and yells "Hey monkey, what are you doing up there"

The monkey replies "Damn, how much water did you drink lizard"



my buddy that !'m visiting taught me this one, it cracks me up every time.

[KillaMo187]

Quote:Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"